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At First I Was Afraid...

Kaspyn

Arcanix Lover
So, I think most of you guys know I am very new to this community. However, I see a long lasting friendship from this place and on that note, I wanted to say something that I have been thinking and feeling for a few months now...

Around June/July of this past year, my GF and I were on our way to our 2nd year together. For me, that's a big deal because I have some commitment issues and other garbage that has kept me away from being "tied down" for any length of time prior to meeting my GF (Mindy).

The two year mark came and I couldn't believe the progress we had made as a couple. We had been through a lot together in those two years and I started considering asking the big question. But things took a twist.

My grandmother got diagnosed with terminal lung cancer in September. In June, my GF's uncle passed away from a heart attack at only age 51. My grandmother is only 72. So, I started thinking long and hard about what I wanted out of my life and where the hell I was going and what the hell I was doing with it.

On the drive home from my mom's the day we got the news, I was crying and thinking. I thought about how our days are numbered, from day one, we all eventually hit zero. We go on about our days, playing our games, enjoying our booze, having awesome times with friends and family.

Mindy had been asking me about adopting a kid someday (soon) and I dragged my feet for a long time. I didn't think we, as a couple, were ready. I didn't think I was ready. I was (still am) a full time college student with a crazy and hectic schedule sometimes. There are still things I want to accomplish in my life.

But that day, on the drive home to Mindy, I couldn't stop feeling like now was the right time. That right now, I could control how many birthdays and Christmases and Easters we'd get with our kid. Sort of control, anyway. So I decided that we should just do it. That we'd made a lot of progress over the course of our relationship and we love each other more than anyone else in our lives and no matter what, she will love me back.

Mindy is the sort of person that doesn't and never judges someone based on outward appearances. If I would have come home from Iraq with 5 less fingers or 1 less arm and met Mindy, she would have still fallen in love with me because she's just the kind of person who makes you want to be better. She's made me want to be better.

So, we started our adoption classes last week and were dead set on one toddler boy. Now, of course, I want 2 of them. I was afraid. I was scared of not knowing what I'm doing, not doing it correctly, but I know one thing: I will love our children, no matter what, unconditionally. And really, doesn't it come down to that? I will just do the best I can do, but I know with Mindy by my side, we will be able to tackle nearly everything.

Of course, for those of you who have kids, expect to be answering some parental questions!
 
Kaspyn I am so excited for you and Mindy. You both sound like fantastic women and an amazing couple.
Sadly though, when I saw the title of this thread, I thought we would be singing some karaoke... Gloria Gaynor (the original diva!), hehe. But all kidding aside, it is human to be scared of major life changes. Hell, even minor ones frighten the bejeezus out of me at times.
For me personally, I never wanted children. I love being an Aunt to my nieces and nephews, I don't even mind hanging out with my friends kids on occasion, but despite what people have told me through the years about being an excellent mother someday, I never felt the urge to be one. Some might say that is smart, but I think it really depends on you and what you want.
Everyday of my life I am trying to figure out what I want. It is not easy. But when you have that love in your life, like you share with Mindy, and the support of friends (even in a community like this) or family, it makes the adventure that much more meaningful.
I love that you are so open, since day one of joining our community. I felt an immediate bond with you just chatting that one time on Mumble. You are fun, genuine, and real. Great traits to have.
Best of luck again, and I look forward to hearing about your progress in the adoption process. By the way, did you ever pop the question to Mindy?

PS - How come the formatting of my posts are never double spaced properly even though when I am typing them they look double spaced? LOL
 
First of all, good for you! Adoption is one of the most amazing things that can be done for a child that has lost their parents through hardship or tragedy. It takes a big, open heart to accept responsibility for your own children, much more so when the child is not yours by blood.

I have four children, ranging in age from 5 years to 1 month. This may not make me an expert, but I'm certainly a veteran. Advice on parenting could fill a million books (and it has!), but at this point in the process I can think of just one thing you need to hear the most.

The most important thing you will provide any child that you adopt, apart from your unconditional love, is a stable home. These kids are in the adoption system because their parents and family were unable or unwilling to support them. Before you commit to adopting a child, you and your girlfriend need to commit to each other in marriage.

Why is marriage essential? Because it's a contract- social, civil, personal, and spiritual. It formalizes your relationship and provides a solid foundation on which to build a family. It provides certainty between the two of you, and more importantly, in the mind of the child. Many problems and insecurities that children display while growing up can be traced to instability in the home, or uncertainty over the strength of the relationship between their parents.

Make your relationship rock solid and lifelong, and you will be ready to have an amazing family.

Kismet: I've been having to put an extra line space between my paragraphs to get them to turn out right.
 
Well now you got me wanting to write a whole other rant! I would love to marry my GF, but, alas, I cannot. Sure, I could go out of state and get a "commitment ceremony" done and then come back to Kansas where they will not acknowledge our "marriage" because we are two women, but that sounds like it's not worth it at all.

No, I have yet to pop the question. I anticipate doing it this year sometime, though. I am pretty much waiting for Mindy to pick out some rings she likes so I can then pick one of those and surprise her.

Although, I feel a little silly wanting to be engaged even though we can't legally get married. But, I want a shiny ring! And also, I love what the ring symbolizes. Even if we, by law, can't do what a dude and his girl can do, at least we know in our hearts that we love each other, regardless.
 
Even if you can't get the state to acknowledge your commitment, the principle still holds. Make sure that the two of you are committed to each other and to providing a stable home. Relationships in America, even traditional ones, are not known for their longevity.
 
Oh, we are committed. We wouldn't be doing this if we weren't. I think there is some statistic floating around how homosexual relationships tend to last longer than heterosexual ones, but I don't know how true that is.
We don't curse at each other, even in the heat of an argument. We laugh all the time. We have tons of inside jokes together. We get mad, talk about it, hardly ever go to bed angry. We're very happy together. I believe we will have a very stable home for our kids.
 
Adoption is a noble endeavor, and I hope you'll soon have the option to be legally married if you want it. Tax credits and such can make the whole thing much easier. For now, however, it sounds like you have everything that matters. Best of luck!
 
Oh, we are committed. We wouldn't be doing this if we weren't. I think there is some statistic floating around how homosexual relationships tend to last longer than heterosexual ones, but I don't know how true that is.
We don't curse at each other, even in the heat of an argument. We laugh all the time. We have tons of inside jokes together. We get mad, talk about it, hardly ever go to bed angry. We're very happy together. I believe we will have a very stable home for our kids.
My wife and I were talking about those statistics the other night. From what she was reading, male same sex couples have a significantly higher rate of splitting up that heterosexual couples. Female couples have a similar/slightly lower rate. The study was more limited in the timespan it had to work with same sex couples, so it will be interesting to see how it compares long term.
 
It's wonderful that you've found someone special to share your life with and to add kids just makes it so much better. It's like experiencing things for the first time again, but through their eyes, there's nothing like it! I have 2 boys myself, ages 11 and 9, they are such great little men... 90% of the time, lol. I love to show them new things and see them go 'wow!' or 'that's cool!'. I hope all turns out well for you!



Wow, I typed this earlier this morning and forgot to hit submit!
 
Thanks, Lilo. We are very excited indeed! The thought of having to scold the little ones and other things...I mean, seeing their reactions when they learn something new or see something new...that will be so cool!
 
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