Expecting the Unexpected

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Ok... so, last Friday I turned 46. Yay me.
Not that I make a big deal over birthdays, but, that being said... I do expect to hear from certain people. My family, my closest friends, etc. Just a, "Hey, happy birthday you old fuck!" (<-- that was from Tr1age, THANKS! )

But, I also have been told in the past by the hubby that "I expect too much from life.", which I assume also means I expect too much from people. I have also been told that by others -- just expecting too much in general.

So, as much as I don't want to expect anything from anyone, it does hurt a bit when people you care about, and go the extra mile for, don't really acknowledge you on a special day.

HOWEVER, what makes up for that is when people you don't expect to remember, actually do.

I was out (from work) for my birthday, and today when I returned there was a giant yummy cupcake with my name on it -- it was huge, hence the sugar coma -- home baked by one of the ladies I worked with. She took the care to put purple sprinkles on it (my fave color) and even hand designed a card that she had everyone sign. She hand crafted it, it was beautiful! I was really touched by that.

My oldest sister (forgot), my estranged brother (always forgets), though even my Dad (who has early stages of Alzheimer's) remembered.

Anyway, my rant is this...
Is it wrong to expect recognition from certain people when you don't really make a big deal about it for yourself? What about expectations in general? Do you think we shouldn't expect anything from anyone?

Would love to hear your thoughts.
Kizzy

PS - A nice thing that happened on my bday... I went to lunch with my other (middle) sister, and the young fella that waited on us found out it was my bday from her. He said, "Wow, congrats on 23!" (being goofy, sweet, and hitting up for a big tip I'm sure.) When I said, "Um thanks, but double that," he genuinely looked surprised and said, "No way! Really?" THAT made me feel GREAT.

 

[Jia]

What about expectations in general? Do you think we shouldn't expect anything from anyone?
(...)
HOWEVER, what makes up for that is when people you don't expect to remember, actually do.

Had you expected nothing, your birthday would not have been the topic of a rant. Your dad, your colleague's cupcake, Tristan's charming message - you would have appreciated them so much more without the nagging voice inside your head reminding you of who, on the other hand, neglected to congratulate you.
When you expect things from other people, it's not really about them - it's all about you projecting your desires onto them: They have to live up to your expectations (oftentimes even un-knowingly).

Is it wrong to expect recognition from certain people when you don't really make a big deal about it for yourself?

I know a person whose low self esteem manifests itself on her birthdays. I'm assuming that she had a few disappointing experiences with birthdays in the past, perhaps because her expectations weren't met - so over the years she became somewhat jaded.
Year after year she would mention that she doesn't really care about her birthday, she doesn't want the attention, couldn't care less about presents. Ironically, she never forgets another person's birthday; she'll even go beyond herself to make them feel loved and special.

In secret, the attention (or lack thereof) she gets on her birthdays is her way of measuring her worth; even though she openly discourages people from minding her birthday, subconsciously she expects them not to listen to her. In fact, it's her way of "finding out how many people truly care for her", because it's "common sense" to celebrate a loved person's birthday, so whoever likes/loves her will contact her regardless of what she tells them to do, right?
But what she's really doing, in fact, is letting her low self worth set her up for disappointment.

And this is just a simplification of what's going on inside her mind, it's a lot more complex than that - but what about the world outside of her head? To the people around her, she's openly indifferent towards her own birthdays. Unless they know her "inner workings" really well, most people will accept her presented attitude at face value. Some will think "birthdays are important! I must congratulate her or make her a gift regardless!" because they have been socialized that way, others honestly care little about birthdays and will even welcome it when she tells them that they needn't make a fuss about it. Which doesn't mean that they don't care about her, they simply fell into her intricately fabricated trap.

What's the origin of all this? Her mind. Her expectations. Her bad experiences that she gave permission to turn her into a birthday cynic.

I'm not saying that you are like her, but I hope what I wrote shows how it's often (maybe even always) not the people around you who disappoint you, but your agenda, your expectations of them.

 

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My rant is about "expectations", my birthday was the example; and of course it is all about me... I am, after all, the center of the universe. /sarcasm for those who don't know my inner workings.

But ty for sharing that well written perspective. Anyone else concur or have different thoughts on the matter of expectation?

 

[Baldoraxx]

I expect to win the lottery.... Am i expecting to much?

 

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I used to find it really insulting when my husband, whom I still adore, would say, "You expect too much from life." Shouldn't you expect something out of life? And don't get me wrong, I am pretty humble, I do not expect handouts or free rides, I do not have a sense of entitlement... but, I do expect consideration, compassion, understanding, from my closest friends and family. Wanting to travel, or desires to accomplish something like finishing a novel, climbing a mountain, creating a sculpture, taking a tai chi class -- imo -- are achievable goals that I will accomplish. That is not expecting too much from life.

But I do agree with something Jia posted...
"When you expect things from other people, it's not really about them - it's all about you projecting your desires onto them: They have to live up to your expectations (oftentimes even un-knowingly)."

I expect people to be human. Sadly, many of them are hollow excuses of humanity.
Inconsiderate, when I expect them to be considerate. Mea culpa.

 

[tr1age]

I used to find it really insulting when my EX husband

I only say this because I feel as though you do at times expect more from people than you are willing to part with yourself. Expecting things and overlooking things are two different moments, ones that can lead to moments of extreme happiness and extreme sadness. While one would like to say those who suffer from these types of moments are poets and dreamers, I would like to say being able to control that middle ground is zen.

And Tristan gets too personal as usual

 

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He isn't my ex. We are still married. We are separated. I consider an ex when you are divorced and no longer in a civil relationship. Our relationship is civil, but complicated, with no plans for divorce at this time. So, not an Ex.[DOUBLEPOST=1368036653,1368036535][/DOUBLEPOST]

And Tristan gets too personal as usual

And I don't mind people getting too personal, as long as they are considerate, and not just setting out to be malicious. *see above rant*[DOUBLEPOST=1368036784][/DOUBLEPOST]

I only say this because I feel as though you do at times expect more from people than you are willing to part with yourself.

Can you give me an example of this? It's a pretty big statement (feeling), and I do realize that feelings are not always actuality, but perception. But I'd like to know what makes you feel this way about me.

 

[tr1age]

He isn't my ex. We are still married. We are separated. I consider an ex when you are divorced and no longer in a civil relationship. Our relationship is civil, but complicated, with no plans for divorce at this time. So, not an Ex.[DOUBLEPOST=1368036653,1368036535][/DOUBLEPOST]

And I don't mind people getting too personal, as long as they are considerate, and not just setting out to be malicious. *see above rant*[DOUBLEPOST=1368036784][/DOUBLEPOST]

Can you give me an example of this? It's a pretty big statement (feeling), and I do realize that feelings are not always actuality, but perception. But I'd like to know what makes you feel this way about me.

Let me think about it more so I don't fuck up my words. I love you to death Kizzy just remember that But I do see ya stuck in moments where I wish I could shake you and make it all better

 

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Let me think about it more so I don't fuck up my words. I love you to death Kizzy just remember that But I do see ya stuck in moments where I wish I could shake you and make it all better

I know sweetie, and I value your opinion, which is why I asked for more feedback. Take your time. <3 If you are more comfortable speaking privately, then let's take it to PM, but I love constructive input.

 

[Drac]

Is it wrong to expect recognition from certain people when you don't really make a big deal about it for yourself? What about expectations in general? Do you think we shouldn't expect anything from anyone?

I think this is pretty tricky Kis.. on one hand, I think its important to have trust in certain people and be able to expect a certain degree of things from them. Now.. defining 'things' is where it gets tricky. For instance, I'd have told my immediate family to fuck off if they didn't wish me a happy birthday, and that being said, I never make a big deal out of my birthday. I only feel that way because I always make a big deal about their birthdays. I like to think that you should have a certain set of expectations from a certain set of people in your life, humanity has always been about community, and survival often stems from that community. Things like comfort, shelter, empathy, knowledge, etc. These are things that you should be able to expect from those you love/trust/feel comfortable with. Now, the other side to the argument is that you're only setting yourself up for failure if you create an overzealous amount of expectations from these people. In direct contrast to what I said above, often times the strongest people are those whom don't need to rely on others for their own necessities.

Now to directly answer your question (and base it on gender issues a bit), it becomes extremely difficult for people to understand they should make a big deal about something if you don't make a big deal about it yourself. Many people can't read others well enough to understand the behind-the-scenes working of your emotions/thoughts/etc to figure out what your expectations are. That's why direct communication is so frickin important in so many contexts.

As for expectations in general... well... everyone has expectations about everything, from the most basic to the most advanced level. A baby who cries is expecting that their action will result in comfort. *insert other appropriate metaphors here*. I think the ability to have expectations is one of the major things that sets humans up as the dominant species on the planet. We're able to think ahead and plan (or at the very least hope) for specific results - ie, expectations.

And finally, about not expecting anything from anyone. I think that just makes you an asshole. To me anyways, not having expectations of others would mean that you're unable to trust in others, or simply don't want to. I think it would make you an asshole because if you believe we shouldn't be able to have expectations from others, you've got to be more prone to not fulfilling the expectations of others.

A guy who doesn't expect that his parents/family give a shit about their birthday is probably more likely to now give a shit about their birthdays (this is a bad example as its extremely close to your own situation).

I sort of just think its strips away some of our humanity and sense of community.


Anyways, tl;dr: it's not wrong, its just too idealistic - yes, expectations are good - no, we shouldn't have an attitude of not expecting

 

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Thanks too, Drac, for your input. I can relate to many of your points. I definitely feel like I am overly idealistic at times. I just like to think of the world as 'mostly good'.

 

[NeverMore]

If you never expect anything you'll find yourself always suprised, and never again will you be disappointed for abstract reasons.

Live life with a calm mind.

And now I sleep. Those are my 39 cents. -...-

 

[Jia]

everyone has expectations about everything, from the most basic to the most advanced level.

I absolutely agree, there are different types of expectations, and we certainly all have them. It's the expectation that a firm's workers will show up to work every day to do their jobs, the expectation that your nation's news will be readily available to you when you visit your favorite news site, the expectation that your surgeon knows what he's doing, that the traffic lights work, and that you get a "hi" as a reply when you say "hello" to someone whom you're engaging in social interaction.
These are all valid expectations, they're what makes our society work like a (albeit badly tuned) clockwork.

The other expectations, the ones that I am talking about, are different. They are emotional. They are, in fact, dependencies, masked as "expectations", because the latter expression sounds better, stronger, legitimate - it sounds like something that "we should have" and that we need not question or apologize for.
Let me explain:

the strongest people are those whom don't need to rely on others for their own necessities.

I think what you said here really is the key, though I would say "independent" instead of "strong". If you need not rely on others for your happiness (your "own necessities"), then your happiness is truly independent. You can simply be; you do not have to depend on another person's call on your birthday to make you feel good, to make you feel better. You're not fragmenting your happiness and handing the pieces to the people around you who may or may not give them back to you to make you feel whole again. You are not making your happiness dependent on those around you, you're not making it their responsibility to fill whatever void it is that you're feeling inside that's making you feel unhappy and insecure - it's not their responsibility.

not expecting anything from anyone. I think that just makes you an asshole. To me anyways, not having expectations of others would mean that you're unable to trust in others, or simply don't want to. I think it would make you an asshole because if you believe we shouldn't be able to have expectations from others, you've got to be more prone to not fulfilling the expectations of others.

I strongly disagree with this. In addition to what I wrote above, I believe that a person who is emotionally independent, and has thus found happiness, is the exact opposite of an "asshole". This person is capable of the most purest form of love, as she accepts the people around her as who they are, not as what she expects them to be.


Kissy, don't cling to your expectations, don't go looking for acknowledgement that they're warranted. Not only is that dependence in itself, but you'd be running in a circle, not looking for the truth, your truth: You're not looking into the void that's making you unhappy, you're turning your back on it, looking to the outside to fill it for you. And I'm sure you can feel that it's only a temporary satisfaction, it's just a quick fix that will never fill the void.

 

[Drac]

I like your take on it Jia, and I think asshole was not a good word to use in hindsight. Maybe.. emotionally-distant is more apt here, I'm tempted to say callous, but I think that's also too harsh/direct.

 

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Kissy, don't cling to your expectations, don't go looking for acknowledgement that they're warranted. Not only is that dependence in itself, but you'd be running in a circle, not looking for the truth, your truth: You're not looking into the void that's making you unhappy, you're turning your back on it, looking to the outside to fill it for you. And I'm sure you can feel that it's only a temporary satisfaction, it's just a quick fix that will never fill the void.

I am going to have to change your nickname from "Pimp Jia" to "Buddha Jia". LOL

Loved everything you wrote. But to clarify, I did really enjoy my birthday -- but I understand your point of how releasing those negative concerns would have made it an even more carefree event. That said, I have a pretty solid self-esteem and do find the majority of my happiness from within, that is not an issue for me.

Again, we may agree to disagree on this subject too (like spankings... whack! *ponysmile: ), but even my emotionally dependent expectations -- like those you'd expect between a husband and wife -- I feel are justifiable. When you engage in any close relationship, be it professional or personal, I think it is human nature to 'expect' certain behaviors as a result of it developing past that of a mere acquaintance. But perhaps, to your point, you are just supposed to walk away when it becomes unsatisfactory and keep your own happiness and positive outlook about life to yourself?

 

[NeverMore]

But perhaps, to your point, you are just supposed to walk away when it becomes unsatisfactory and keep your own happiness and positive outlook about life to yourself?

Life is selfish. Your own happiness always comes first. We try to avoid harming others(some of us do) when we need to obtain it, but there can often be collateral. If you choose to broadcast your reasons, that is your choice.

 

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Life is selfish. Your own happiness always comes first.

Life is shellfish, and I'm a happy clam. Or maybe I'm a crab.