Have honestly been some of the most trying in my entire life. As some of you know I quit my job in search of happier employment and, while I found some it was not the steady stream of work I was initially promised and has now almost fizzled out. I'm back on the mend financially, now, but this past month alone has been a series of fighting to make ends meet. Pawn shops became my income source, and I was only making enough money to cover my external expenses, i.e. insurance, gas, rent, etc.
Now, around the time I quit my job (which was only because she urged me to) I began having issues with my girlfriend, whom I had been with for nearly four years. It seemed trivial at first but grew exponentially over a few days and grew to the point where I wouldn't see her for 4-5 days at a time. We lived together. No contact for most of the week, every week. The times she would come home she would only be around for a couple of hours max and would be incredibly defensive about her whereabouts. This went on for about 2 and a half months.
Three weeks ago she asked me to move out of the apartment. This was at the peak of whatever issue was at hand. Earlier that day I got a cryptic text from a longtime friend, of almost 8 years, saying that we needed to meet and talk later in the day. That ended up not happening as my girlfriend came to my office and proceeded to kick me out of the apartment we had been living in for the past 9 or so months. Obviously I inquired as to why and after being jerked around she told me that she had been cheating on me for the past 2-3 months with my aforementioned friend, Nick. Though, not only with Nick, but with a series of other guys that I either knew or had met prior. I actually shook one of the guys hands days before as he sat on my couch and drank my beer.
This was probably the most shattering news I had heard since the day my Father died. I didn't know how to react, and thankfully one of my best friends was able to keep me from acting violently, and frankly, like an idiot. That was about 3 or so weeks ago. Since then I fell into my normal state of conflict resolution: self destructive activities. I have never been good with dealing with bullshit and this was no difference. I spent the first week in a steady drunken haze, avoiding almost all connection to other people. I'd drink, drink, drink and then feel sorry for myself for days on end. Just recently I was able to get out of the self deprecation for the most part and I have three of the best friends I could ask for for that small favor.
The thing is, I still don't feel closure on any of this. I still feel sorry for myself, I still hate myself for allowing this to happen and despite everything I blame myself for what she did. I don't hate her, but seeing her makes me physically ill. I've also had to cordon myself off from a lot of the social events in my area for fear of seeing one of the assholes that was involved in all of this and losing my shit and doing something stupid.
I haven't really gone in depth about any of it with anyone and on the surface I seem alright but it's probably the deepest feeling of self loathing I've ever had. People keep saying time heals all wounds but the hatred, and yes I mean hatred, I feel towards my own personal Judas is something that I don't think I can get over; and that in particular is something that keeps me up at night, or makes me drink six more beers when I know I should have stopped long ago.
I guess this isn't so much of a rant as a pity post, but it feels better just to get it all out in one place for the most part.
Oh, and to top it off I realized I have no idea how to be single.
Now, around the time I quit my job (which was only because she urged me to) I began having issues with my girlfriend, whom I had been with for nearly four years. It seemed trivial at first but grew exponentially over a few days and grew to the point where I wouldn't see her for 4-5 days at a time. We lived together. No contact for most of the week, every week. The times she would come home she would only be around for a couple of hours max and would be incredibly defensive about her whereabouts. This went on for about 2 and a half months.
Three weeks ago she asked me to move out of the apartment. This was at the peak of whatever issue was at hand. Earlier that day I got a cryptic text from a longtime friend, of almost 8 years, saying that we needed to meet and talk later in the day. That ended up not happening as my girlfriend came to my office and proceeded to kick me out of the apartment we had been living in for the past 9 or so months. Obviously I inquired as to why and after being jerked around she told me that she had been cheating on me for the past 2-3 months with my aforementioned friend, Nick. Though, not only with Nick, but with a series of other guys that I either knew or had met prior. I actually shook one of the guys hands days before as he sat on my couch and drank my beer.
This was probably the most shattering news I had heard since the day my Father died. I didn't know how to react, and thankfully one of my best friends was able to keep me from acting violently, and frankly, like an idiot. That was about 3 or so weeks ago. Since then I fell into my normal state of conflict resolution: self destructive activities. I have never been good with dealing with bullshit and this was no difference. I spent the first week in a steady drunken haze, avoiding almost all connection to other people. I'd drink, drink, drink and then feel sorry for myself for days on end. Just recently I was able to get out of the self deprecation for the most part and I have three of the best friends I could ask for for that small favor.
The thing is, I still don't feel closure on any of this. I still feel sorry for myself, I still hate myself for allowing this to happen and despite everything I blame myself for what she did. I don't hate her, but seeing her makes me physically ill. I've also had to cordon myself off from a lot of the social events in my area for fear of seeing one of the assholes that was involved in all of this and losing my shit and doing something stupid.
I haven't really gone in depth about any of it with anyone and on the surface I seem alright but it's probably the deepest feeling of self loathing I've ever had. People keep saying time heals all wounds but the hatred, and yes I mean hatred, I feel towards my own personal Judas is something that I don't think I can get over; and that in particular is something that keeps me up at night, or makes me drink six more beers when I know I should have stopped long ago.
I guess this isn't so much of a rant as a pity post, but it feels better just to get it all out in one place for the most part.
Oh, and to top it off I realized I have no idea how to be single.
