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American Interaction makes me wish I was born somewhere more affectionate.

tr1age

tr1age

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This blurb from a website 10 things most American's don't know about America really struck a cord with me. I have been trying to explain the divide in dating, expression of feelings, affection, and general interaction I have witnessed in the years I spent abroad. And it never comes across quite as clearly as I want. This snippet sums it up so perfectly, and after spending the day with a Russian family, friends, family, cousins, aunts, today I just felt it was so much easier to ENJOY my time out, not worry about what someone was "thinking about you" because they would just tell you straight up. There were no walls, because there was no reason to be guarded, everyone was there to enjoy one another's company, the food, and leave when they got tired.

Here is the snippet I think nails it on the head.

We As American's Are Poor At Expressing Gratitude And Affection

There’s a saying about English-speakers. We say “Go fuck yourself,” when we really mean “I like you,” and we say “I like you,” when we really mean “Go fuck yourself.”

Outside of getting shit-housed drunk and screaming “I LOVE YOU, MAN!”, open displays of affection in American culture are tepid and rare. Latin and some European cultures describe us as “cold” and “passionless” and for good reason. In our social lives we don’t say what we mean and we don’t mean what we say.

In our culture, appreciation and affection are implied rather than spoken outright. Two guy friends call each other names to reinforce their friendship; men and women tease and make fun of each other to imply interest. Feelings are almost never shared openly and freely. Consumer culture has cheapened our language of gratitude. Something like, “It’s so good to see you” is empty now because it’s expected and heard from everybody.

In dating, when I find a woman attractive, I almost always walk right up to her and tell her that a) I wanted to meet her, and b) she’s beautiful. In America, women usually get incredibly nervous and confused when I do this. They’ll make jokes to defuse the situation or sometimes ask me if I’m part of a TV show or something playing a prank. Even when they’re interested and go on dates with me, they get a bit disoriented when I’m so blunt with my interest. Whereas, in almost every other culture approaching women this way is met with a confident smile and a “Thank you.”"
http://bananenplanet.wordpress.com/2012/07/17/10-things-most-americans-dont-know-about-america/
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The simple fact that the distance an American stands from his friends when talking defining "personal space" and that of someone from say Russia or Switzerland, is a huge indicator of the above.

Men kiss each other on the cheek because it is nice, and no one thinks, OMG ARE THEY GAY?

Women understand the idea of getting to know you more openly, instead of you pursuing a brick wall of guarded emotions. And both parties know to stop with the early on knowledge of "well this isn't working out" instead of a long drawn out affair of half truths.

So yes, I feel sometimes that emotionally, affectionately, I should have been born elsewhere, because America is one closed off emotionally draining entity at times.
 
This kind of makes me sad to live in America. I'm horrible, horrible, horrible at reading social cues. I'd love it if people just said what they meant and acted the way they want to. On the other hand, hiding my lack of empathy's probably a lot easier to do here. Hmmm... tough choice. I probably fit in a lot better in the US. I don't want to live here forever though.
 
hmmm... pretty interesting article and while most of it is correct there are obviously different kinds of ppl everywhere so its not like you won't meet americans who are very open with their feelings (I've met maybe a couple) or in my case latinos who are more reserved.
Not saying that either case is wrong tho... to each his own I say and personalities abound. So don't feel so depressed about it, tho i have to agree russian families are VERY VERY welcoming and hospitalarian from what little experience I have on the topic.

¢2
 
I don't give a fuck. I generally speak my mind and tell it how it is. I agree that this is the way America is sometimes, and it is one of the reasons the place is a mess imo.
 
Team America... FUCK YEAH! (That means I like you btw.)

I'm actually very affectionate, outspoken, in your face space, etc. I have traveled abroad and know what you mean about the cultural differences with regards to human interaction and displays of affection, but I still wouldn't want to llive abroad. I love this country (not derailing in to a patriotism thread), but as Thovarisk suggested -- different personality types are everywhere.

When I am out, if I think someone is attractive I will tell him or her. I won't hold it back.
When two men kiss (on the cheek), I find it sweet, not awkward or gay. And even if I do think, 'maybe they are gay?', I find their expression of affection beautiful.

I did read a study once about personal space, and differences between cultures. They were saying Americans typically have an invisible 'space shield' of 2 feet around them. Step in to that circle as a stranger and we'll step back or step off. Germans on the other hand are very comfortable up close, I think their parameter was something like .5 a foot. They also look you in the eyes more consistently (which I like). The study said Americans don't like holding the gaze too long, feeling awkward or rude.

Honestly, I don't care what people think of me on a superficial level. You can say whatever you want about my exterior, odd behavior, weird personality, whatever... I don't care. BUT, when you start attacking my integrity, compassion, intellect, family/friends, all those internal/emotional things -- then that pisses me off. And I still won't care what you think, but you'll make the SHE-HULK angry... SHE-HULK smash puny human! RAWR!

Cool site with some info about different cultures if interested: Culture Crossing - Americans Personal Space

Addendum: Do I value what people think of me? Friends or closer, yes. Complete strangers, not so much. Am I able to detach from any personal judgements, lack of affection, etc. from those I care about? Sometimes. But certain people and their actions do affect me worse than others. I just didn't want my above statements to make it seem I didn't care about anything or anyone. That is not who I am. I will consider feedback from others, but typically make all of my decisions and actions based on my own impulsiveness.
 
Kis and Thov I agree with the idea that there are people who break the mold. But I am talking majority over minority. Plus when you live in America and say run across someone from abroad and don't fit the mold, you are more inclined to push that fact, instead of just organically enjoying it. Hey don't get me wrong I don't want to live away from the US, but I wish we could adopt more of the emotional freedom other countries feel.

Yesterday I had a wonderful experience out with friends who just happen to be all sorts of cultures. And I didn't get anxiety once, think about how I was being perceived once, all I thought about was HOW TO have fun. We laughed, we ate, and we didn't judge. It was spectacular. Watching the older mother dancing to the bachata music was a freeing sight. Just moving to music when you hear it. I guess I just got reminded of it even more from seeing it again. You can find it, it just seems harder to find here than elsewhere. Shit my stint spent in Paris was wonderful. People were so relaxed when it came to "going out" the tourist attraction of the Eiffel tower was actually a hangout for the kids at night fall to drink wine and sit. It was beautiful. :)

I don't want to have to search like [ACHIEVEMENT]75,1[/ACHIEVEMENT] for them here, I want it to be something we adopt! Also Hym if you were raised with it, you wouldn't have to worry about hiding your lack of empathy or whatever :) Shit even Canada has more of it than us haha
 
I love that emotional freedom you speak of, definitely agree and I wish that was more prevalent. The ability to just have fun and be yourself.
"If you can be anything in life, just pee BE YOURSELF." :D
 
Kismet said:
I love that emotional freedom you speak of, definitely agree and I wish that was more prevalent. The ability to just have fun and be yourself.
"If you can be anything in life, just pee BE YOURSELF." :D
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holy colors batman :)
 
I don't really get the lack of empathy part of the conversation, I can really relate to the "closeness to others and your feelings part of it" because that's pretty much how I live my everyday life but something miss-connects when you say empathy because I'm about the most unempathetic person you can find.. not really proud of it but not apologetic about it either, I just don't feel it.
 
I think it has a lot to do with how our culture throws around guilt, shame, expectations, and judgement. Plus, most of us were bred to be competitive and taught to measure ourselves against external standards rather than think it acceptable to define ones for ourselves. Results in lots of miserable people with high anxiety and low (or fragile) self-worth...and any place where empathy can actually be seen and serve as a weakness is fundamentally screwed up to a degree imo.

I don't think America is the worst in this, though. A large part of Europe probably has it closest to "right", but there definitely seem to be far more innately passive aggressive, high self-driven stress/guilt-ridden/emotionally-guarded/competitive cultures besides ours (e.g., parts of India through a lot of East Asia).

Not sure what makes our cultures so goddamn obsessed with right, wrong, success, failure, but I do know it's effing exhausting.
 
From what I've heard via jappanese immigrants is that talking to people you dont know is unheard of. Street corner talk is unheard of. So, I wouldnt say we're all that bad.
 
MoDSec said:
From what I've heard via jappanese immigrants is that talking to people you dont know is unheard of. Street corner talk is unheard of. So, I wouldnt say we're all that bad.
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Yeah how else would you get work? :)
 
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