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Broken hearted

W

Waldemar

The Dutch
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The title and the picture say it all. Walds heart has been broken into a thousand pieces. And not for the first time. Hell, I've never been in a long relationship. It always ends after a couple of fun dates and never lasts for more than a month. The end is almost always the same: the girl has got some excuse about having no time or not wanting a boyfriend at the moment. "I am just so happy with my freedom". I am crying while typing this. I wonder why this always happens to me. Is it because of something I am doing wrong? I don't understand it. The first contact always goes very well, and the first two-three dates are nice and smooth too. But as soon as I start to really have feelings for a girl, it seems like it HAS to go wrong. Am I not boyfriend material? If the girl really likes me, she wouldnt have to make up excuses. Do the girls therefore don't like me? That's a frightening thought, and I refuse to believe it. On the other hand, girls, the ones I date in specific, most of the times tell me they find me atractive and nice. This one fucking told me that she liked me. I am confused. And crying.
Pease, advise me.

Wald
 
You look so sad! =( I'm sorry things didn't work out. How long were you dating this girl? :\

Also relationships take a lot of work and many people go through a lot of them so I certainly don't think you should assume it's just you. I don't want to give you some line about how you'll find someone eventually but....don't give up hope! *hugs*
 
I know some girls that will never leave you. Sally Palmer and her five friends! (get it?!!)

srsly, I wouldn't take it as something you did wrong, but as exactly what they said. They have things to work out. It may have been a copout answer, I'm not sure, but as long as you put in the effort without stepping over any boundaries of privacy, you should be doing just fine. The only advice I have is that if you're finding all these girls in the same place, try somewhere else. May just be the type of girl you go out with.

But no tears my boy. There will always be another at this stage of the game.
 
Wald, love you brother. Try not to get too upset. I'm rather shy and when i was younger i was always the friend and what not. Like you say I would go on a date or two and it would be great, I'd start to think hey this is good, might work out etc etc etc. only to suddenly have contact dropped or suddenly she was with someone else blah blah blah. Then whe i started to get real girlfriends the relationship would last like 3 months tops. weirdly they nearly all worked out at 3 months near enough. I've been told im really nice and kind and a good guy, but she is just not feeling it, or she doesn't think we want the same things, i havn't been in touch enough the last week (when i was working on deadlines and exams after the valentines holiday i had made a big effort on to make up for this knowing in advance i would be busy), she just wants to be friends, and tbh i was just a bit bored..blah blah blah
Anyway thats besides the point, I always thought to myself maybe im not tall or handsome enough, am i too nice, too geeky, is it cause i wear glasses, am i not cool enough or exciting enough or outgoing etc etc etc. the fact of the matter is that maybe my worries about such superficial things maybe made me try too hard or not enough or maybe i was putting effort into things that didnt matter. In the end the truth will always come out and you will be who you will be.
And then out of the blue a random girl who thought i was cute and i though was pretty, we met up just to have a laugh and mes around and it just kicked off and went from there. i wasn't looking, didn't really care about trying to put on a face or persona. TBH i was just tired of making so much effort to no avail and what do you know, she just decided i was worth her time. 2 years of her time but sadly despite my feelings for her it just wasn't working out, life sucks. but sometimes you have to risk losing what you have to know if thats what you want for the rest of your life.
What this massive post of rambling is trying to say Wald is "don't worry, be happy. cause evry lil thing is guna be alright".
Things wil happen when they happen, be you and be honest about who you are and you will more likely attract people who are interested in who you are. And not wanting to be with you doesn't mean not liking you or finding you attractive.
I don't know if this helps at all. but I am trying.
Chin up Wald.
Val
 
Waldemar said:
45285_4987276280847_1798435848_n.jpg

The title and the picture say it all. Walds heart has been broken into a thousand pieces. And not for the first time. Hell, I've never been in a long relationship. It always ends after a couple of fun dates and never lasts for more than a month. The end is almost always the same: the girl has got some excuse about having no time or not wanting a boyfriend at the moment. "I am just so happy with my freedom". I am crying while typing this. I wonder why this always happens to me. Is it because of something I am doing wrong? I don't understand it. The first contact always goes very well, and the first two-three dates are nice and smooth too. But as soon as I start to really have feelings for a girl, it seems like it HAS to go wrong. Am I not boyfriend material? If the girl really likes me, she wouldnt have to make up excuses. Do the girls therefore don't like me? That's a frightening thought, and I refuse to believe it. On the other hand, girls, the ones I date in specific, most of the times tell me they find me atractive and nice. This one fucking told me that she liked me. I am confused. And crying.
Pease, advise me.

Wald
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Hey man, the whole point of 'dating' is to get a well rounded experience of what is available. Think of it as farming for exotics. You're going to kill a lot of trash, and experience a lot of things (both negative and positive) before you find what you want. The most important thing is to learn from what you experience.

Don't get down about rejection, or starting over.. that's just part of the game (unfortunately). If you're really feeling confused about what they like or dislike, try to casually ask one what went wrong. Try to not come off as 'wimpy' about it, be inquisitive about what you can do to contribute to a better dating experience. If you've got one's number or FB info shoot them a quick message along these lines:

"Hey, sorry if this comes off a little strong, but remember when we went out last year? Do you feel comfortable telling me why you felt like things wouldn't work? I don't mean to overstep any boundaries here, but I'm just trying to do a little soul-searching and figure out if I'm coming off in a particularly negative way.. Anything you could tell me would be great, thanks!"

It's pretty forward, but could help identify if there really is something you're doing 'wrong'.

If you want to elaborate at all on what you're feeling, I'm happy to listen.
 
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They are making us pay for ours ancestors's mistakes. For all abuses they suffer from the past, The cheating and the "playing" with their feelings.
They always had the power over man, and now they are more aware of that.
Soon we will see Women's world domination. Mark my words...

THE END IS NEAR...


Off with the jokes.

Wald, don't go down, maybe the problem is that you threat them way to good. You can't give all of you to them, you need to give and take... but well,what do I know about relationships?!

Just be strong, raise your head and don't forget about your friends, sometimes they know and care more about you than your own family. :)
 
Drac said:
Don't get down about rejection, or starting over.. that's just part of the game (unfortunately). If you're really feeling confused about what they like or dislike, try to casually ask one what went wrong. Try to not come off as 'wimpy' about it, be inquisitive about what you can do to contribute to a better dating experience. If you've got one's number or FB info shoot them a quick message along these lines:

"Hey, sorry if this comes off a little strong, but remember when we went out last year? Do you feel comfortable telling me why you felt like things wouldn't work? I don't mean to overstep any boundaries here, but I'm just trying to do a little soul-searching and figure out if I'm coming off in a particularly negative way.. Anything you could tell me would be great, thanks!"

It's pretty forward, but could help identify if there really is something you're doing 'wrong'.

If you want to elaborate at all on what you're feeling, I'm happy to listen.
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This is such an amazing idea. I wish some guys would do this. Because honestly I don't think I'd ever have a problem sharing what went wrong but usually when the breakup happens it's not the best platform to give anyone "advice" on what to do in the future and not have it come off rude :\
 
Keep your head held high and keep going forward. These are all trials for the one you are meant to be with. Been there before and went through many years of the same thing. Now i am happily married with the girl of my dreams and all i needed was patience. You will find one and then u shall be happy. :)
 
My 2 cents might come off a bit harsh but please don't take it in a negative way, also if there are any incorrect assumptions please forgive me it's just what I got out of your post.

You said "It always ends after a couple of fun dates and never lasts for more than a month." You knew this person for less than a month and the fact that it didn't work out makes you this sad? I'd understand if this was some kind of exception to the rule, but you seem to fall into love mode easily.

Yeah, we all want that someone special to be with, but you can't treat every woman that you meet and seem to have a nice time with as if she is a potential long-term girlfriend, most are not. And there's nothing wrong with that, you met someone new, had some nice time together, and went your separate ways. It can be a beautiful memory.

But you seem to expect these early get to know each other dates to blow up into a grand gesture of affection and love. And the truth is that scares a lot of people. Not because it is wrong but because people hide behind their walls and only let you in little by little, yet you seem to be totally open and ready to jump in head first, most people aren't.

So relax, give your self some more time to really get to know a person and if you decide that you like them just take it slow. Personally for a month of knowing someone I'd see them from 4 to maybe 8 times in that month for an hour here and there. Live your life, make time for them when you can, but don't make it a priority. A month of knowing someone and a couple of dates is not dating. And if it doesn't work out and they end it remember they are not breaking up with you, they don't know you. How can you get to truly know a person in a month?

I hope any of this helps. My sincerest sympathies to you Wald. We all have been there and it gets easier.
 
My heart is aching for you Wald, in empathy and sympathy, but I truly thank you for your courage in posting about this and opening yourself to us. You have no idea how timely, and how utterly relatable your post is... at least for me. I think sometimes we girls like to think we corner the market on heartache. That guys rarely, if ever, feel emotional over a break up or an unreciprocated romance. I know, silly of us right?

As for myself, I have both won and lost at the love game, often asking myself those same questions you posted above. Is it me? It it bad timing or judgement? Are the planets not aligned?

The pain can be excrutiating... but what I have told myself in the past is, "...at least I can feel something." In fact, I feel things rather deeply, and despite the risks and drawbacks of taking chances on love, I am grateful for a basis of comparison to the highs and joys of when it works. Nothing lasts forever, tis' true. Life is a series of ups and downs, a colorful necklace of experiences meticulously strung by hand upon the silver thread of our existence.

Just know this... you are worthy of love. Like a boomerang, if you toss it out, it will ultimately come back to you.

I am sorry you have to go through this, but you are not alone.

Hugs,
Kismet
 
Drac said:
Hey man, the whole point of 'dating' is to get a well rounded experience of what is available. Think of it as farming for exotics. You're going to kill a lot of trash, and experience a lot of things (both negative and positive) before you find what you want. The most important thing is to learn from what you experience.
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This is, perhaps, the greatest thing I have heard all day.

You're level 80 now Wald.

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But seriously.

Relationships fail for a whole slew of reasons that end up amounting to synchronicity in personalities. It doesn't ever boil down to something as simple as "I do good things and mean well".

Some girls (and guys) are drama queens, and if they can't find some, they make it up.
Some skirt the borders of sexuality (a dandy of a man, or a manly woman), and find greater comfort in another who does the same.
Some are perhaps prudes who secretly long to be drowned in repressed desires, and likely wouldn't end well with the genuinely pious.

Etc.

Personality. The brain is always sexier than the body. Any day of the week. :)
 
There is a few things important to pull out of this Wald.

A: Is there a specific pattern you find with these girls? I for one have had a few streaks in my past where I have literally dated the same girl over and over without even realizing it. It was destined to fail before it even started and I didn't even know. Try to figure out what they all had in common with themselves not with you and maybe you will find out something about yourself.

B: Don't EVER stop being who YOU are. That is so important for dating in general. I don't care what social "norm" anyone here says to abide by, "playing games" "taking your time" "not falling too fast" "taking it slow" "caring someone off" "walls" .

Walls are for fucking buildings not people. I have been in so many relationships where by the time I broke down their "wall" I was covered in the rubble of the battle and no longer could be open to them, or I worked SOOO hard to break down the wall that finally when it was done, they are in love with me, and I am not happy with what I finally found.

There are so many personalities and people in this world. I have learned over many relationships, that the most important thing is to NOT settle on what the other relationship didn't have, or to give in to "good enough". People will disagree with me, but those people are not wired like me, and those are the people I wouldn't date.

Ask yourself the easiest question: "If I am like this, there should be someone else out there who has similar ways?" Truth is YES. And that is when the fireworks happen, whatever form they come in, whatever comfort they bring. But if you settle your own beliefs for them, you ultimately end up attracting the girls who are not actually the ones you want.

Anyway, feel better buddy.
 
so much good advice on this thread I can't really add anything else...
one girl less on the list, one girl closer to the real one.
Cheer up bud!
 
Meta said:
Personally for a month of knowing someone I'd see them from 4 to maybe 8 times in that month for an hour here and there. Live your life, make time for them when you can, but don't make it a priority. A month of knowing someone and a couple of dates is not dating. And if it doesn't work out and they end it remember they are not breaking up with you, they don't know you. How can you get to truly know a person in a month?
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Meta I think this really depends on each person. If they spend a lot of time together they will get to know each other a lot. Of course each person has to be on the same page, which, admittedly is different to do so early in a relationship. It's easy to say take things slow or one step at a time but sometimes and for some people (myself included), it's about going all in.

I imagine, Wald, that's what it's like for you (and feel free to correct me if I'm wrong). There's nothing wrong with going into something 100% but you should know that not everyone is the same way, and in fact most other people are certainly not so willing to dive in and have their heart potentially broken.

That being said I completely agree with what Tristan (and everyone else really <3 ) said.

tr1age said:
B: Don't EVER stop being who YOU are.
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You are an awesome person you just need to find that awesome girl who loves you for you <3 It might take a little while but it will be completely worth it when it happens :)
 
I thought about this again and wanted to add something from what you said.

You said you are in the habit of only lasting to a month and then having your heart broken. This to me is a clear indicator that you are not falling for these girl but the idea of these girls. The idea of love, the idea of a future, the idea of a comfort in them, something in the idea of love is making you able to lose yourself in the idea of love making whatever is causing the lack of love a relief rather than a burden anymore.

Really examine why you LOVED this girl. Maybe even write it out here. And maybe you will realize there was not actually love, but the first stages of the excitement of getting to know another human to which we can kiss, touch, and share more than football scores with.
 
Again have to agree with Tristan. That feeling of excitement when you first really start to like someone is pretty intoxicating.
 
I have the deepest empathy for you, Wald. I recently split up with my girlfriend who I've been with "officially" for over a year (unofficially it was like two and a half). I thought we connected on every level which we did, except for one very important one. Anyway, I just wanted to voice my support. As someone who's feeling your pain right now, I want to let you know that you have to keep your spirits up. There's no use beating yourself up about love. There's someone out there for you who will love you for who you are.
 
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