Hello everyone! I wanted to do a little rant here to kind of explain what's been going on a bit. Some of you know I have been an absolute wreck lately and, contrary to some popular belief, it really wasn't the site that caused it (well, maybe a small part was). Overall, there was a fuckton of shit that happened in my life all at once. Literally, all within about two days everything hit me at once. On top of my daily stresses and problems, I had a REALLY hard time coping with it.
1 - My Job. I've talked quite a few times before that I LOVE my job at the moment. But at the same time, I'm only a contractor. What this means is I work for 6-9 months on my current position and, if not hired by the parent company, I move on. I'm a little over three months in and there has been talk about a full time position for me. Which is AMAZING. But at the same time, I have to make sure EVERYTHING is up to snuff. My co-workers do enjoy having me around, I do my work (and well I might add), but until everything is final, I doubt myself. Part of that is because I was recently laid off about four months ago from my old job. Some people will realize that I put in WAY too much work into that job, and all I was rewarded with was a pink slip at the end of it. So I'm still a little wounded mentally from that experience. I haven't felt like anything I have done at this job has been good enough (even being told by my co-workers, boss, and bosses boss that I'm doing great). Maybe I'm a bit damaged and time will help heal it, but I haven't been able to CONVINCE MYSELF that I'm doing a good job. And that wears a person down.
2. My father. This is something I tend to joke about now, but growing up, me and my father had a HORRIBLE relationship. But I was also a bit of a shit-head growing up. I played a lot of sports, a lot of games, and my schooling wasn't the best. I wasn't a bad kid, but my priorities weren't well in place. I guess that's normal for any boy in that 10-20 range, but my father wanted better for me. Old school upbringing for the most part. At around 14, I came home with I think my first D? Something around there. Me and him got into a big fight, and I actually ended up running away from home. Few state lines crossed via hitch hiking, sleeping in parks in January, and a phone call a few days later home, we were at a place of "Shit has to change". Long story short, we never really got along, until maybe a year ago when I FINALLY got a job in my field. I wasn't around him as much. I paid him back a lot of money for helping me through college, so financial tension vanished as well. When I moved out in November of last year, we kinda realized how stupid we both were. We don't talk often, but we talk a bit more now.
But recently, my father's job has been a bit tricky. The CEO of his company was being ousted by the board of directors for mis-managing money, reckless whatevers and bullshit. Anyone in the NH/MA area knows Market Basket Supermarkets. My father has worked for them for almost 40 years now. There has been a lot of "family fueding" since the early 70's over DeMoulas / Market Basket. More or less, the current CEO has actually grown the company in amazing fashion, and his cousin wanted more money. By overthrowing the current CEO, his cousin would have control and shit would change (for the worse). If you want to read more, a simple google will tell you the whole story, but yesterday (or this morning) they have decided to keep the current CEO. Which is great. My father's job and profit sharing retirement plan is safe (for now). One stress relieved for now.
3. My sister. I'll keep this one short, as I don't really need to go too drastic. My sister moved to CA a few years back after breaking off her engagement. She recently came to town with her current boyfriend (potentially fiance soon), and in typical fashion, I was asked to drop everything going on in my life to see her. That bugs me more than anyone will really understand. Back when I was younger, I worked for everything I had. She had a lot handed to her, but shit on a lot of opportunities. Me being the younger one, wasn't offered such opportunities because my folks figured "If one does it, the other one probably will to". Logically, I can't blame them for that. But I never was given the choice. But yeah, she came to town, then left. Everything is calm now, but this was just this past week and I had that floating in my head the whole time. If I saw her and my family, I was overlooked / ignored. If I didn't go to things, I would be made to feel guilty (intentional or not, that's how it was). Now she's gone, and I feel a bit better.
4. My birthday- I'll be the first one to say, I really don't care about my birthday. I love it for the fact that I have a story that involves numbers (7/17/87, 7 pounds 7 ounces, 7th grandchild on both sides of the family), but birthdays have never been a big deal. One year older isn't a big deal for me. Every year, I tend to stay a bit quiet about it. "Maybe they'll forget it happens". I loved work this year, no one knew. I was able to sit in silence all day, it was great! I disabled my facebook birthday, and only a few close friends and family posted, instead of every shmuck on my facebook (I feel obligated to respond even though the last time we made contact was my birthday the previous year). But Tuesday, the day before my mother texts me "Want to come over for dinner tomorrow?". I know things aren't going well for pops, so I suggest we do something next week when things settle down. They agree, and move on without any definitive plans (which will most likely mean another last minute plan or nothing at all (which would be great!)), but then down the line I'll get the "we never did anything for your birthday". I love the joke I make "Ahh, just the way I like it". I wish that could be my gift, ignore it.
5. Caroline - A lot of you know I love Caroline more than anything else. But lately I've been kinda neglecting her. I'm definitely not going into too much detail here, but more or less I need to work a bit harder. I know she's not going anywhere, but I'd hate to find out one day she regretted it. <3
So, those are the things that have been happening outside of TAB that all kinda hit me like a ton of bricks at once. I've talked about a good chunk of these things every now and again, but my tension and stress never went away. I started to get headaches, stomach cramps, chest pains, digestive issues (haven't had a solid poo in weeks), and it all kinda hit me. I need to calm down. I get so wrapped up in things I have so little control over, and it ALL gets to me. I've had this issue for as long as I can remember. In fact, I've even pin pointed the exact time that I changed into this stress holding mess. When I started dating in high school, I REALLY liked this girl. We started dating because she clearly knew I liked her, and she liked me. After a while, she realized she didn't like me quite the same way (more like a brother). I was devastated. I then started to act a bit differently. I purposely started to do things that were VERY uncharacteristic of me up to that point. Sulking in corners, being depressed and upset, irritable. Typical emotions for someone just recently dumped, right?
Well, that was a bit different for me. You guys have seen my good moods, my boisterous laugh. My friends were NOT used to this. Eventually they stopped hanging out with me (temporarily), and I sunk farther. Then, my ex-girlfriend came up to me, and told me something I will never forget. "Expecting people to pity you is probably the worst thing a person can do." She then walked off. I couldn't tell if she was literally trying to kill me off, or help me get out of whatever dimension I was in. But, just like that, I realized two things. She was right, and we would never have anything beyond a friendship (which really was a good thing in the end lol). But that changed me a bit in itself. Over the years, I've been pretty good about not showing my upset or frustrating emotions, mostly because I never wanted to feel that "need for pity" and embarrassment from years ago.
That said, I never found a good way to handle it. I haven't been able to "release" a lot of the emotions I've felt. Even about things that the other person doesn't even remember, I'll bring it up years later, apologize, and that person would be confused as to why I would be talking about it. Then, in turn, I'd be EVEN MORE stressed about it because I felt like an idiot for bringing things up. It's been a vicious cycle.
In comes TAB. Over the past 15 months, this place has been an amazing therapeutic place for me. I've been able to talk about a lot of things to a lot of different people. It's been amazing. But on the same hand, I've incurred a lot of pain too. We meet a lot of people on this site, and I personally try my best to make as many personal connections as possible. My life truly does become better when I can make others happy and enjoy themselves. On the same hand, when someone gets upset, angry, blames me, leaves, or anything, I take it WAY TOO HARD. Seriously. I've lost sleep, become irrational, emotional, anything you can imagine when feeling like you've failed. My fault. I live specifically to not feel that feeling. That is my fear. That is my downfall. That is the cause of a lot of my mood swings.
Tristan knows me better than anyone else on the site most likely. He made a comment last year that's kinda stuck with me. Talking about how sometimes I can act bipolar. My mood swings can be pretty extreme. I go from quite jolly to a nervous, emotional wreck on a flip of a switch sometimes. Since he's made that one comment, I've noticed it myself. Caroline has noticed it. I've been working really hard to make it so I'm more stable. But this week, I literally blew up. I couldn't hold anything in anymore. That's why I kinda disappeared Tuesday.
Tristan and Caroline asked me to do my best to get some things figured out. Get some emotions under control, and to keep TAB off my mind. Not gonna lie, after 3 days, I really just wanted to come back. It was hard for me to not be here. I love this place. This is my home, my friends, my family. It's where I belong. With you guys.
No matter what happens, I'll always be around here. But I felt I owed some people a bit of an explanation. Warranted or not, I did this to both calm some worries of others, as well as get this off my chest. The last thing I want to hear from you guys is "I'm here for you", because I already know this. We're all here for each other, that's what this place is about.
And with that, my stress levels are dropping, but I still have moments of massive mood changes. The other officers have put on the kiddy gloves and "protected" me from some things, but man that made me feel like a child haha. But they did it out of care. And I know that. And for the first time in a while, I didn't feel "bad" that they did something that was outside of my control. And that realization will hopefully help me in not taking everything so seriously, or as my fault.
Side Note. Don't call me anything other than Bruce or Gyoin. Making fun of the latter really does piss me off. And not in a fun way. <3
1 - My Job. I've talked quite a few times before that I LOVE my job at the moment. But at the same time, I'm only a contractor. What this means is I work for 6-9 months on my current position and, if not hired by the parent company, I move on. I'm a little over three months in and there has been talk about a full time position for me. Which is AMAZING. But at the same time, I have to make sure EVERYTHING is up to snuff. My co-workers do enjoy having me around, I do my work (and well I might add), but until everything is final, I doubt myself. Part of that is because I was recently laid off about four months ago from my old job. Some people will realize that I put in WAY too much work into that job, and all I was rewarded with was a pink slip at the end of it. So I'm still a little wounded mentally from that experience. I haven't felt like anything I have done at this job has been good enough (even being told by my co-workers, boss, and bosses boss that I'm doing great). Maybe I'm a bit damaged and time will help heal it, but I haven't been able to CONVINCE MYSELF that I'm doing a good job. And that wears a person down.
2. My father. This is something I tend to joke about now, but growing up, me and my father had a HORRIBLE relationship. But I was also a bit of a shit-head growing up. I played a lot of sports, a lot of games, and my schooling wasn't the best. I wasn't a bad kid, but my priorities weren't well in place. I guess that's normal for any boy in that 10-20 range, but my father wanted better for me. Old school upbringing for the most part. At around 14, I came home with I think my first D? Something around there. Me and him got into a big fight, and I actually ended up running away from home. Few state lines crossed via hitch hiking, sleeping in parks in January, and a phone call a few days later home, we were at a place of "Shit has to change". Long story short, we never really got along, until maybe a year ago when I FINALLY got a job in my field. I wasn't around him as much. I paid him back a lot of money for helping me through college, so financial tension vanished as well. When I moved out in November of last year, we kinda realized how stupid we both were. We don't talk often, but we talk a bit more now.
But recently, my father's job has been a bit tricky. The CEO of his company was being ousted by the board of directors for mis-managing money, reckless whatevers and bullshit. Anyone in the NH/MA area knows Market Basket Supermarkets. My father has worked for them for almost 40 years now. There has been a lot of "family fueding" since the early 70's over DeMoulas / Market Basket. More or less, the current CEO has actually grown the company in amazing fashion, and his cousin wanted more money. By overthrowing the current CEO, his cousin would have control and shit would change (for the worse). If you want to read more, a simple google will tell you the whole story, but yesterday (or this morning) they have decided to keep the current CEO. Which is great. My father's job and profit sharing retirement plan is safe (for now). One stress relieved for now.
3. My sister. I'll keep this one short, as I don't really need to go too drastic. My sister moved to CA a few years back after breaking off her engagement. She recently came to town with her current boyfriend (potentially fiance soon), and in typical fashion, I was asked to drop everything going on in my life to see her. That bugs me more than anyone will really understand. Back when I was younger, I worked for everything I had. She had a lot handed to her, but shit on a lot of opportunities. Me being the younger one, wasn't offered such opportunities because my folks figured "If one does it, the other one probably will to". Logically, I can't blame them for that. But I never was given the choice. But yeah, she came to town, then left. Everything is calm now, but this was just this past week and I had that floating in my head the whole time. If I saw her and my family, I was overlooked / ignored. If I didn't go to things, I would be made to feel guilty (intentional or not, that's how it was). Now she's gone, and I feel a bit better.
4. My birthday- I'll be the first one to say, I really don't care about my birthday. I love it for the fact that I have a story that involves numbers (7/17/87, 7 pounds 7 ounces, 7th grandchild on both sides of the family), but birthdays have never been a big deal. One year older isn't a big deal for me. Every year, I tend to stay a bit quiet about it. "Maybe they'll forget it happens". I loved work this year, no one knew. I was able to sit in silence all day, it was great! I disabled my facebook birthday, and only a few close friends and family posted, instead of every shmuck on my facebook (I feel obligated to respond even though the last time we made contact was my birthday the previous year). But Tuesday, the day before my mother texts me "Want to come over for dinner tomorrow?". I know things aren't going well for pops, so I suggest we do something next week when things settle down. They agree, and move on without any definitive plans (which will most likely mean another last minute plan or nothing at all (which would be great!)), but then down the line I'll get the "we never did anything for your birthday". I love the joke I make "Ahh, just the way I like it". I wish that could be my gift, ignore it.
5. Caroline - A lot of you know I love Caroline more than anything else. But lately I've been kinda neglecting her. I'm definitely not going into too much detail here, but more or less I need to work a bit harder. I know she's not going anywhere, but I'd hate to find out one day she regretted it. <3
So, those are the things that have been happening outside of TAB that all kinda hit me like a ton of bricks at once. I've talked about a good chunk of these things every now and again, but my tension and stress never went away. I started to get headaches, stomach cramps, chest pains, digestive issues (haven't had a solid poo in weeks), and it all kinda hit me. I need to calm down. I get so wrapped up in things I have so little control over, and it ALL gets to me. I've had this issue for as long as I can remember. In fact, I've even pin pointed the exact time that I changed into this stress holding mess. When I started dating in high school, I REALLY liked this girl. We started dating because she clearly knew I liked her, and she liked me. After a while, she realized she didn't like me quite the same way (more like a brother). I was devastated. I then started to act a bit differently. I purposely started to do things that were VERY uncharacteristic of me up to that point. Sulking in corners, being depressed and upset, irritable. Typical emotions for someone just recently dumped, right?
Well, that was a bit different for me. You guys have seen my good moods, my boisterous laugh. My friends were NOT used to this. Eventually they stopped hanging out with me (temporarily), and I sunk farther. Then, my ex-girlfriend came up to me, and told me something I will never forget. "Expecting people to pity you is probably the worst thing a person can do." She then walked off. I couldn't tell if she was literally trying to kill me off, or help me get out of whatever dimension I was in. But, just like that, I realized two things. She was right, and we would never have anything beyond a friendship (which really was a good thing in the end lol). But that changed me a bit in itself. Over the years, I've been pretty good about not showing my upset or frustrating emotions, mostly because I never wanted to feel that "need for pity" and embarrassment from years ago.
That said, I never found a good way to handle it. I haven't been able to "release" a lot of the emotions I've felt. Even about things that the other person doesn't even remember, I'll bring it up years later, apologize, and that person would be confused as to why I would be talking about it. Then, in turn, I'd be EVEN MORE stressed about it because I felt like an idiot for bringing things up. It's been a vicious cycle.
In comes TAB. Over the past 15 months, this place has been an amazing therapeutic place for me. I've been able to talk about a lot of things to a lot of different people. It's been amazing. But on the same hand, I've incurred a lot of pain too. We meet a lot of people on this site, and I personally try my best to make as many personal connections as possible. My life truly does become better when I can make others happy and enjoy themselves. On the same hand, when someone gets upset, angry, blames me, leaves, or anything, I take it WAY TOO HARD. Seriously. I've lost sleep, become irrational, emotional, anything you can imagine when feeling like you've failed. My fault. I live specifically to not feel that feeling. That is my fear. That is my downfall. That is the cause of a lot of my mood swings.
Tristan knows me better than anyone else on the site most likely. He made a comment last year that's kinda stuck with me. Talking about how sometimes I can act bipolar. My mood swings can be pretty extreme. I go from quite jolly to a nervous, emotional wreck on a flip of a switch sometimes. Since he's made that one comment, I've noticed it myself. Caroline has noticed it. I've been working really hard to make it so I'm more stable. But this week, I literally blew up. I couldn't hold anything in anymore. That's why I kinda disappeared Tuesday.
Tristan and Caroline asked me to do my best to get some things figured out. Get some emotions under control, and to keep TAB off my mind. Not gonna lie, after 3 days, I really just wanted to come back. It was hard for me to not be here. I love this place. This is my home, my friends, my family. It's where I belong. With you guys.
No matter what happens, I'll always be around here. But I felt I owed some people a bit of an explanation. Warranted or not, I did this to both calm some worries of others, as well as get this off my chest. The last thing I want to hear from you guys is "I'm here for you", because I already know this. We're all here for each other, that's what this place is about.
And with that, my stress levels are dropping, but I still have moments of massive mood changes. The other officers have put on the kiddy gloves and "protected" me from some things, but man that made me feel like a child haha. But they did it out of care. And I know that. And for the first time in a while, I didn't feel "bad" that they did something that was outside of my control. And that realization will hopefully help me in not taking everything so seriously, or as my fault.
Side Note. Don't call me anything other than Bruce or Gyoin. Making fun of the latter really does piss me off. And not in a fun way. <3
