Alright, some of you may know that I don't really do movies. Occasionally I'll watch a movie when Caroline wants to see one, but for the most part I'm not a big movie guy. I'd much rather marathon a TV series with a continuing life than a 90 minute stint. I personally don't see the value in a lot of movies. I prefer to do other things.
That said, I really have no need for movie theaters. Once a year, if that, I go to the movie theaters (usually because I was given gift cards). I hate the places. Tickets will be 20 bucks for me and Caroline for a matinee (because I don't want to go during a prime time with some shmuck sitting behind me kicking my chair, some tall shmuck in front of me blocking my view, or sitting in a cloth chair that, literally, is THE most disgusting place to sit in the world. Seriously, Movie Theater chairs have more bacteria and fecal matter on them than the toilets there will. True story.
Not only that, the food prices are outrageous. I won't pay for that shit. I'll go to the store right before, buy my soda and candy and popcorn (all smuggled in via a massive purse that Caroline shall hold and my deep pockets) for cheaper than the smallest of concessions at the theater. Fuck that noise. I know, they don't make much money off of the movie itself, but fuck that. I'm not wasting my hard earned money on convenience. I'm not that kinda guy.
Alright, now this is the part the really gets me. I actually have pretty sensitive hearing and eye sight. I get headaches easily. That's why I love my chair, TV, in my environment. I have it all set perfectly for my comfort. When I go into a theater, I have to prepare for eye blistering lights in a dark room and deafening sounds that pierce my ear drums, ruining my experience. It's not like I can request they turn it down. That's also why me and Caroline tend to prefer bars and restaurants at like 5PM instead of 8 or later. Too loud. Uncomfortable and not enjoyable. All we have to deal with at that time is elderly people, and they are the sweetest and nicest and QUIETEST people around. Hells yeah!
"BUT BRUCE, 3D! IMAX! IT'S SO AWESOME!"
No. Go fuck yourself. Watching a movie is the exact same between watching it on a TV or even a fucking phone. Is a book going to be any better if you read it in large text versus small text? No, it's still the same book. It doesn't change your experience in some magical form because you sat in a pile of someone else's shit surrounded by people that are getting jerked off by some strange chick that's on a second date with while some knucklehead yells some stupid shit in front of you.
"OMG THAT EXPLOSION! IT'S SO MUCH BETTER BECAUSE IT WAS BIGGER AND LOUDER!"
No. It wasn't. It's the same fucking explosion. You want to watch a cool explosion? Go buy some fucking fireworks. Drink first into oblivion and blow off your hand in the process. That'll be a real experience that you'll never forget. Dickwad.
"I GOT TO SEE IT AT MIDNIGHT RELEASE BEFORE ANYONE ELSE! OMG I'M SO COOL! LET ME TELL EVERYONE EVERYWHERE WHAT HAPPENED SO THAT I CAN SPOIL THE EXPERIENCE FOR EVERYONE ELSE!!!!"
Yeah. I'm glad I didn't care about it, or I would be really pissed off about it. I'm sure you've all had something ruined by these assholes. But hey, you're the one on the internet.
And you know what? I'm not here to promote piracy, but if I REALLY want to see any of the movies, I could probably find it online somewhere. And you know what? It'll be in terrible quality. But it's the same exact thing I would've seen in theaters. Some guy's head in front of me, blurry vision from my poor eyes, and sound blasting through that I can't even tell what the fuck is going on anyways. So I'll just save my money, tell the movie industry to go fuck itself, and let all you people pay your 50 dollars to have the same experience I'll have for free.
"BUT DUUUDE YOU'RE MISSING OUT!"
Nope. Again, go fuck yourself. Seriously, take that cucumber out of the fridge and shove it up your ass. I'll stay in my clean apartment, eat my inexpensive food, and watch my tv/anime/sports and play my games while you all pay money out the wazoo so you can sit in shit (seriously, go look it up), eat overpriced crap, and watch something that is, chances are, going to leave you disappointed.
That said, I really have no need for movie theaters. Once a year, if that, I go to the movie theaters (usually because I was given gift cards). I hate the places. Tickets will be 20 bucks for me and Caroline for a matinee (because I don't want to go during a prime time with some shmuck sitting behind me kicking my chair, some tall shmuck in front of me blocking my view, or sitting in a cloth chair that, literally, is THE most disgusting place to sit in the world. Seriously, Movie Theater chairs have more bacteria and fecal matter on them than the toilets there will. True story.
Not only that, the food prices are outrageous. I won't pay for that shit. I'll go to the store right before, buy my soda and candy and popcorn (all smuggled in via a massive purse that Caroline shall hold and my deep pockets) for cheaper than the smallest of concessions at the theater. Fuck that noise. I know, they don't make much money off of the movie itself, but fuck that. I'm not wasting my hard earned money on convenience. I'm not that kinda guy.
Alright, now this is the part the really gets me. I actually have pretty sensitive hearing and eye sight. I get headaches easily. That's why I love my chair, TV, in my environment. I have it all set perfectly for my comfort. When I go into a theater, I have to prepare for eye blistering lights in a dark room and deafening sounds that pierce my ear drums, ruining my experience. It's not like I can request they turn it down. That's also why me and Caroline tend to prefer bars and restaurants at like 5PM instead of 8 or later. Too loud. Uncomfortable and not enjoyable. All we have to deal with at that time is elderly people, and they are the sweetest and nicest and QUIETEST people around. Hells yeah!
"BUT BRUCE, 3D! IMAX! IT'S SO AWESOME!"
No. Go fuck yourself. Watching a movie is the exact same between watching it on a TV or even a fucking phone. Is a book going to be any better if you read it in large text versus small text? No, it's still the same book. It doesn't change your experience in some magical form because you sat in a pile of someone else's shit surrounded by people that are getting jerked off by some strange chick that's on a second date with while some knucklehead yells some stupid shit in front of you.
"OMG THAT EXPLOSION! IT'S SO MUCH BETTER BECAUSE IT WAS BIGGER AND LOUDER!"
No. It wasn't. It's the same fucking explosion. You want to watch a cool explosion? Go buy some fucking fireworks. Drink first into oblivion and blow off your hand in the process. That'll be a real experience that you'll never forget. Dickwad.
"I GOT TO SEE IT AT MIDNIGHT RELEASE BEFORE ANYONE ELSE! OMG I'M SO COOL! LET ME TELL EVERYONE EVERYWHERE WHAT HAPPENED SO THAT I CAN SPOIL THE EXPERIENCE FOR EVERYONE ELSE!!!!"
Yeah. I'm glad I didn't care about it, or I would be really pissed off about it. I'm sure you've all had something ruined by these assholes. But hey, you're the one on the internet.
And you know what? I'm not here to promote piracy, but if I REALLY want to see any of the movies, I could probably find it online somewhere. And you know what? It'll be in terrible quality. But it's the same exact thing I would've seen in theaters. Some guy's head in front of me, blurry vision from my poor eyes, and sound blasting through that I can't even tell what the fuck is going on anyways. So I'll just save my money, tell the movie industry to go fuck itself, and let all you people pay your 50 dollars to have the same experience I'll have for free.
"BUT DUUUDE YOU'RE MISSING OUT!"
Nope. Again, go fuck yourself. Seriously, take that cucumber out of the fridge and shove it up your ass. I'll stay in my clean apartment, eat my inexpensive food, and watch my tv/anime/sports and play my games while you all pay money out the wazoo so you can sit in shit (seriously, go look it up), eat overpriced crap, and watch something that is, chances are, going to leave you disappointed.
