Ultra CHEZ
It's better with cheddar!
Warning: The following contains a wall of text, the subject of which is very personal and a bit melodramatic.
For those of you who do not know, I'm one of the only sub-18 members of Arcanix. As such, I still rely on my parents for shelter. They've done a good job of providing various structures that protect me from the elements, but not such a good job of creating a sense of home. My parents have been divorced since I was five years old, and I've split my time 50/50 with each. The two have very different viewpoints on dependence, which has led to some interesting living arrangements. Let me explain a bit.
My dad is very independent. He will avoid having to rely on anyone if at all possible. That is why after the divorce, he found living with his mom so difficult. Also, my grandma is a bit of a hoarder, so the room we stayed in was a bit packed. Still, I was young and when my dad finally got his own apartment things seemed pretty good. Around 2006 though, things started to sour. My dad, a carpenter, was one of the first to feel the effects of the recession. We moved into a smaller apartment, but by 2007 we couldn't even afford that. The first few months were the worst. Before giving back the key to the apartment, my dad made a copy so we could sneak in and out late at night and early in the morning. We basically squatted in our own apartment for two weeks, sleeping on the barren floor with sleeping bags at night and living out of a storage unit during the day. Realizing we couldn't illegally spend the nights in our old apartment forever, my dad made other arrangements. This is why my dad, my little sister, and I soon found ourselves sleeping at a local campground every night. After the first few nights, the novelty wore off. My dad got enough work and earned us enough money to start staying in cheap motels every night when my sister and I were with him. We started out in some real sleazy places, with some... interesting people in the rooms next to ours. Eventually we found a decent Motel 6 where the rooms were fairly clean and relatively cheap. We sometimes could only afford to eat off the dollar menus of fast food joints, but it beat sleeping in a tent every night. From the end of 6th grade to the beginning of High School I spent my time with my dad in that motel. Around the start of my freshmen year, my dad moved back in with his mom, and I and my sister with him (for half the time at least). Unfortunately, my grandma had in this time accumulated more stuff, so we no longer had a room to stay in (I've slept on the couch ever since). Making matters worse, tensions grew between my dad and grandma, then my dad and sister. As of now my sister lives with my mom and my dad and grandma don't exist. It's gotten so bad that it's essentially sent a schism down the middle of my family, with myself left as (and I'm not exaggerating this) the only person to have positive relationships with everyone else in the family. Oh yeah, I don't have internet at my grandma's either, and the tension won't allow me to get any anytime soon. So that's great.
At the opposite end of the spectrum, my mom has always been dependent on someone else. Following the divorce she moved in with a couple she was friends with. One of them became increasingly addicted to meth which eventually led to a termination of that friend's marriage, and her friendship with my mom. After that, my mom moved to El Paso, Texas where her parents lived. Since my mom worked for an airline, my sister and I could fly back and forth between there and San Jose, sometimes on school nights. A year later, after a falling out with my grandparents, she moved back to an apartment in San Jose. It was in a crummy neighborhood, but overall not too bad. The next 8 years involved us moving around, usually to wherever her boyfriend at the time lived. Sometimes it was just down the street, sometimes it was as far away as across the state. One particular boyfriend, who lived in Minnesota, got my mom pregnant with my now 10 year old half sister (whom was probably the best thing to come out of the situation). Ironically, that boyfriend was one of the only ones my mom never moved to be with, which created another custody front to be fought by my mom. Anyhow, my mom's current boyfriend is probably the best of any of them. She's been with him the longest (5 years), at least. He's hard working, despite being an alcoholic, and he and my mom are buying a house together in a town 30 minutes away from our current one. The thing is though, my mom is blinded by the fact that she's finally going to own a home. The place she purchasing is a bit of a shit hole, and is going to cost quite a bit to renovate. It's also only a 3 bedroom (1 less than the current house we rent), so she's basically disregarding me because both my sister's get their own rooms. But fine, I'm going off to college in less than a year, I get it.
So what triggered this way too long and way too personal rant? A rather small thing, actually. You see, for the past month my grandparents (my mom's parents, that is), came to stay with us for the holidays. They also stayed to help my mom purchase the new house. They, like anyone who stays with my mom, got my room while they were here. I love my grandparents, and am happy to give up my room for them, but I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't excited when they left this morning and I knew I could come back from my dad's and enjoy my room. But that's just it, I din't get to enjoy it. I got home this evening from a long day of school, and extracurriculars, and general shit, looking forward to one, just ONE, night of relaxation before we move, only to find my mom's house half packed already. My room, my sanctuary, was no exception. Half of the furniture was gone, with the belongings that were on that furniture scattered about. The only thing left alone was my computer and desk, because I had specifically ordered no one to touch it, as I would handle it myself (I worked all summer to save up the $2,000 I spent on my rig, I want SOME control over what happens to it).
So that was the last straw so to speak. My parents wonder why I always refer to their respective houses or places of residence or whatever to "your house;" why I always let my friends know if I'm going to be at my "mom's house" or "dad's house" so that they know what I can or cannot do (no computer games at dad's, for instance); and why I feel more comfortable sleeping on a couch or on a floor than in a bed. I've never had a home. I've never had a place where I know things are safe and stable. The only way I'm ever going to get that is myself, through my own hard work. If my parents offer help, such as managing to find some way to help me pay for college, I'll take it. I love them and hold nothing against them, but when it comes down to it I'm going to have to gain a home in the same way I've gained anything else important in my life: on my own.
Well, I suppose that isn't true. Not completely. I feel a little ashamed for sharing all this with you guys, but I think the fact that I am shows just how much Arcanix and AltTabMe mean to me. Video games, books, and other forms of escape are the only places where I've felt at home, and this community is the first place where I truly feel accepted for that. I have to reel in the nerdiness at school, with certain groups of friends, etc., but here I can openly discuss the things I care about. I can make silly parodies of Christmas stories or discuss the newest MMO on the market without feeling embarrassed because I'm not out playing sports, or getting perfect grades, or dressing stylishly (not that I have anything against those 3, they're just low priority for me).
I want to finish high school close to my campus. As such I'll be living with my dad almost all the time. I don't know much time I'll have over the coming months to play games and hang out with you guys, but I'll be able to lurk around the forums. No matter what, I really appreciate you guys and the sense of home you create for a kid like me. Thanks.
My dad is very independent. He will avoid having to rely on anyone if at all possible. That is why after the divorce, he found living with his mom so difficult. Also, my grandma is a bit of a hoarder, so the room we stayed in was a bit packed. Still, I was young and when my dad finally got his own apartment things seemed pretty good. Around 2006 though, things started to sour. My dad, a carpenter, was one of the first to feel the effects of the recession. We moved into a smaller apartment, but by 2007 we couldn't even afford that. The first few months were the worst. Before giving back the key to the apartment, my dad made a copy so we could sneak in and out late at night and early in the morning. We basically squatted in our own apartment for two weeks, sleeping on the barren floor with sleeping bags at night and living out of a storage unit during the day. Realizing we couldn't illegally spend the nights in our old apartment forever, my dad made other arrangements. This is why my dad, my little sister, and I soon found ourselves sleeping at a local campground every night. After the first few nights, the novelty wore off. My dad got enough work and earned us enough money to start staying in cheap motels every night when my sister and I were with him. We started out in some real sleazy places, with some... interesting people in the rooms next to ours. Eventually we found a decent Motel 6 where the rooms were fairly clean and relatively cheap. We sometimes could only afford to eat off the dollar menus of fast food joints, but it beat sleeping in a tent every night. From the end of 6th grade to the beginning of High School I spent my time with my dad in that motel. Around the start of my freshmen year, my dad moved back in with his mom, and I and my sister with him (for half the time at least). Unfortunately, my grandma had in this time accumulated more stuff, so we no longer had a room to stay in (I've slept on the couch ever since). Making matters worse, tensions grew between my dad and grandma, then my dad and sister. As of now my sister lives with my mom and my dad and grandma don't exist. It's gotten so bad that it's essentially sent a schism down the middle of my family, with myself left as (and I'm not exaggerating this) the only person to have positive relationships with everyone else in the family. Oh yeah, I don't have internet at my grandma's either, and the tension won't allow me to get any anytime soon. So that's great.
At the opposite end of the spectrum, my mom has always been dependent on someone else. Following the divorce she moved in with a couple she was friends with. One of them became increasingly addicted to meth which eventually led to a termination of that friend's marriage, and her friendship with my mom. After that, my mom moved to El Paso, Texas where her parents lived. Since my mom worked for an airline, my sister and I could fly back and forth between there and San Jose, sometimes on school nights. A year later, after a falling out with my grandparents, she moved back to an apartment in San Jose. It was in a crummy neighborhood, but overall not too bad. The next 8 years involved us moving around, usually to wherever her boyfriend at the time lived. Sometimes it was just down the street, sometimes it was as far away as across the state. One particular boyfriend, who lived in Minnesota, got my mom pregnant with my now 10 year old half sister (whom was probably the best thing to come out of the situation). Ironically, that boyfriend was one of the only ones my mom never moved to be with, which created another custody front to be fought by my mom. Anyhow, my mom's current boyfriend is probably the best of any of them. She's been with him the longest (5 years), at least. He's hard working, despite being an alcoholic, and he and my mom are buying a house together in a town 30 minutes away from our current one. The thing is though, my mom is blinded by the fact that she's finally going to own a home. The place she purchasing is a bit of a shit hole, and is going to cost quite a bit to renovate. It's also only a 3 bedroom (1 less than the current house we rent), so she's basically disregarding me because both my sister's get their own rooms. But fine, I'm going off to college in less than a year, I get it.
So what triggered this way too long and way too personal rant? A rather small thing, actually. You see, for the past month my grandparents (my mom's parents, that is), came to stay with us for the holidays. They also stayed to help my mom purchase the new house. They, like anyone who stays with my mom, got my room while they were here. I love my grandparents, and am happy to give up my room for them, but I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't excited when they left this morning and I knew I could come back from my dad's and enjoy my room. But that's just it, I din't get to enjoy it. I got home this evening from a long day of school, and extracurriculars, and general shit, looking forward to one, just ONE, night of relaxation before we move, only to find my mom's house half packed already. My room, my sanctuary, was no exception. Half of the furniture was gone, with the belongings that were on that furniture scattered about. The only thing left alone was my computer and desk, because I had specifically ordered no one to touch it, as I would handle it myself (I worked all summer to save up the $2,000 I spent on my rig, I want SOME control over what happens to it).
So that was the last straw so to speak. My parents wonder why I always refer to their respective houses or places of residence or whatever to "your house;" why I always let my friends know if I'm going to be at my "mom's house" or "dad's house" so that they know what I can or cannot do (no computer games at dad's, for instance); and why I feel more comfortable sleeping on a couch or on a floor than in a bed. I've never had a home. I've never had a place where I know things are safe and stable. The only way I'm ever going to get that is myself, through my own hard work. If my parents offer help, such as managing to find some way to help me pay for college, I'll take it. I love them and hold nothing against them, but when it comes down to it I'm going to have to gain a home in the same way I've gained anything else important in my life: on my own.
Well, I suppose that isn't true. Not completely. I feel a little ashamed for sharing all this with you guys, but I think the fact that I am shows just how much Arcanix and AltTabMe mean to me. Video games, books, and other forms of escape are the only places where I've felt at home, and this community is the first place where I truly feel accepted for that. I have to reel in the nerdiness at school, with certain groups of friends, etc., but here I can openly discuss the things I care about. I can make silly parodies of Christmas stories or discuss the newest MMO on the market without feeling embarrassed because I'm not out playing sports, or getting perfect grades, or dressing stylishly (not that I have anything against those 3, they're just low priority for me).
I want to finish high school close to my campus. As such I'll be living with my dad almost all the time. I don't know much time I'll have over the coming months to play games and hang out with you guys, but I'll be able to lurk around the forums. No matter what, I really appreciate you guys and the sense of home you create for a kid like me. Thanks.
